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re-entry

July 6, 2006

Its one of those days where I just can’t get the motor started.  Some days I’m highly effecient, firing on all cylinders, eager for the next challenge or task.  Not today.  My brain feels like oatmeal and I hear what you just said to me 10 seconds later.  I think about moving my head to look at something but at first impulse nothing happens so I have to tell my head to move again.  It has taken me twenty five minutes just to write this paragraph.  Not true, I’m exaggerating. 

I still haven’t adjusted to life back home from Mexico.  Mexico, where for eight days life felt so intentional.  We were there to build homes.  We were there to encourage kids and spread the gospel.  We were there to draw closer to God.   We were alive and active and dependent and raw and real.  We slept in dirt and sweated gallons of water and laughed and cried.  We formed friendships and played pranks and got lost and raced rental vans and did summersaults in the ocean.  We were alive.  So alive.   

And now I’m back.  And I want to stay intentional.  I want to stay alive. But I’m so good at wasting time.  I’m so good at not being intentional.  And so the war has started.  Will I go back to how I was?  Am I different?  Can I live different based on the reality I just experienced?  Please God don’t let me go back to what I was just 10 days ago.

I want what I experienced there…here.  I want to be real about problems.  I want to be broken. I want to experience God breaking down walls in people’s lives, taking off the masks, speaking truth.  I want to sit around campfires and worship God while staring at the stars.  I want to see people’s tears of joy as others reach out to them in Christian love.  I don’t want to wait once a year for how clearly I heard the voice of God in my soul, telling me He loves me. 

And so I type, fighting back tears in my office, sitting in my leather chair, looking at my computer screen, feeling the air conditioner.  And I’m looking.  Looking for God here, now.  Looking for opportunity to worship Him, opportunities to be real with people, opportunities to help people.  I’ll have to work a little harder here.  I’ll have to be intentional about turning off the noise, saying no certain activities, and yes to the ones that I know bring a smile to His heart.  I felt His smile last week.  I like it when He smiles, it makes me smile. 

Back to work.

2 comments

  1. Jay McKenney… you are one of my greatest living heroes. You give thousands a place to worship… not just a physical place… but a real spiritual one-on-one connection with God.

    Thank you for your heart, your dedication to grace and truth, and for your friendship of which I am eternally grateful.

    We will never forget Mexico 2006… and Mexico will never forget you, my friend!


  2. Jay, I totally feel what you are feeling. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

    You and Jen did such a beautiful job of leading us into and through worship in Mexico. I know you can recreate that here, only with a little less dirt. And the stars in the sky aren’t quite as brilliant when we are surrounded by city lights (how AWESOME was that shooting star during “Indescribable”?!?) Hang in there friend. Lean on God. Don’t ignore him. I have been doing that for the past few days (ignoring Him, that is), and it is brutally flawed thinking.

    Smile on us Lord! Forgive us when we go against You, shine Your face upon us!



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